Infinite Loop Read online

  “On the contrary,” Regan said softly. “I think you’d be wildly successful. I’m just not sure I’m willing to share you.”

  “Fair enough.” Mel hesitated. “I really don’t know what I could do.”

  She knows. For some reason Regan felt sure Mel was holding back. “Now tell me what you actually wanted to say,” she said.

  “It’s stupid.” Mel’s voice turned shy. “Unrealistic.”

  Regan smiled. “Try me.”

  “I like drawing.”

  She sounds like she’s afraid I’ll belittle her or something. Regan wondered at the source of Mel’s insecurities. “Are you good?”

  “Yeah,” Mel chuckled, bolder now. “I’m pretty good.”

  “So why is it unrealistic?”

  Mel sighed. “I’m definitely too old for the starving artist thing.”

  An idea began to take hold in Regan’s mind. “But you like computers, right?”

  “Well, yeah, of course.”

  Of course! Regan silently crowed. She says ‘of course’! The perfect woman! After a few moments of silent thanks to the universe, she focused on the topic at hand. “So what about graphic design? Or web design? Or Flash development? You could learn animation, or computer graphics, or God, Mel, anything!” Regan couldn’t suppress the excitement in her voice. Yeah! Nerdy stuff! Come to the dark side, it’s fun!

  “You think so?”

  Regan was surprised at the whispered question. The last thing she had expected was the fearful hope in Mel’s voice. “Well, yeah. I know guys who do amazing stuff. Almost anyone can learn the technical part of it. But you’re very lucky if you have natural artistic ability.”

  “Maybe,” Mel murmured.

  She sounds…optimistic? Contemplative? Mel wore her moods so plainly, Regan could already read her face. She wished she could see her now. “You don’t have to figure it all out right now. It’s something to think about, though.”

  “You’re right. It is.” Mel sounded distracted. “I’ve got a lot to think about right now. I’m just…overwhelmed.”

  A wounded partner, a career on the rocks. Regan inventoried. And where exactly did she fit into Mel’s life? She closed her eyes, hating what she was about to do. Of course she’s overwhelmed, dopeshow. What’s more overwhelming than a new relationship?

  “Listen, Mel,” she said. “I know that what’s happening between us is just another thing that’s coming at you from out of nowhere right now. And if you’re overwhelmed by it, or we’re just moving too fast…” Why am I doing this? “I’m just trying to say that there’s no pressure from me, okay?”

  “Regan, you’re the one thing in my life that feels totally natural right now. I’ll admit that it’s overwhelming, but…” Mel paused, and her voice seemed lighter somehow, as if sharing her worries had unburdened her of a great weight, enabling her to speak freely. “It’s overwhelming in the most amazing way. When we’re apart I get scared and I start thinking too much, but when we’re together you just make me feel so good.” A shaky breath followed the soft confession. “I’ve been so torn up about everything the past few days, but just calling you has made me feel like maybe everything will be okay.” Regan opened her mouth to respond, but remained silent when Mel continued. “It always makes me feel better to talk to you.”

  “Talking to you makes me feel better, too.”

  Neither spoke for a couple of minutes.

  “I wish everything else could just disappear for a while,” Mel finally whispered. “I wish I could just spend time with you and let you make me feel better. I’m so tired.” She sounded drained. “I just want to get away from real life for a while, you know?”

  Regan thought of countless nights spent slaving over her code while wishing that she had something greater out there calling her. “I know what you mean.” She smiled as an old college fantasy popped into her head. Impulsively, she said, “We should just toss a couple of bags into my truck and take off for a week or so. Get lost in America, and, in the tradition of all the great road movies…you could find yourself.” It sounded so corny, she laughed.

  “Where would we go?”

  Regan indulged in her fantasy for another few moments. “I don’t know. Maybe the Southwest? I’ve always wanted to see Monument Valley. It’d be very Thelma and Louise. Except the driving into the Grand Canyon part, preferably.” Wouldn’t that be amazing?

  “Really?” Mel sounded hesitant. “Do you really want to take a road trip?”

  Yes! Regan had said it on a lark and she’d expected it to be dismissed as pure fantasy. Does she actually sound interested? She struggled for a safe reaction. Please don’t let me embarrass myself. “Well, uh…no. I mean…” Why was she making this harder than it needed to be? “Yes.” Perfect, Regan. Just perfect.

  “I’ve never taken a road trip with another person before,” Mel said after a long silence.

  “It’s fun,” Regan said. “Think about it. Okay?”

  “Okay. I’m so glad I called. I miss you.”

  “I miss you, too.”

  “So I’ll see you Tuesday night?”

  “Yes! Yes, definitely.” I don’t even care how desperate that might sound. A thousand times yes!

  “Cool. I can’t wait.”

  “Very cool, yeah.” Regan’s face hurt from smiling so hard. “I look forward to it.”

  They said goodnight and Regan hung up, casting a satisfied smile at the ceiling. After a moment her smile tightened a little in concentration and she furrowed her brow.

  A road trip, huh?

  *

  Mel nearly made it through her next visit with Hansen without discussing Regan or the road trip idea. She held the information inside of her so tightly that her teeth were clenched with the effort. Hansen seemed to sense something was up because he kept shooting her curious looks.

  “Drunk driver killed two elderly sisters last night,” she commented, scanning the newspaper. “Driving on a suspended license, no less.”

  Hansen groaned, shifting in his bed. “Christ, Raines. I’m in the goddamn hospital here. You think you could talk about something a little less depressing?”

  Mel grinned. The good-natured complaint was a sure sign that her partner was slowly regaining his strength. The subtle reemergence of his ruddy color and gentle humor confirmed it. Only four days earlier, she’d thought he would never give her a hard time again. She had to hand it to modern medicine.

  Mel folded the newspaper and deposited it on the tray that was positioned over Hansen’s bed. She’d read through the sports and editorial sections at his request, and continued with the news headlines to avoid casual conversation. Hansen had an uncanny ability to zero in on the things she least wanted to talk about.

  “When are you going back to work?” he asked.

  Mel sighed. “Lieu told me to take the rest of the week off. I go back to a desk on Monday.”

  “Get to visit the shrink, all that good stuff.”

  “Yeah.” Mel felt dangerously close to sulking at the thought of having to talk to a psychologist. “I can’t wait.”

  “Don’t worry about it.” Hansen waved a dismissive hand in the air. “It’ll be a piece of cake.”

  Mel shrugged. The last thing she wanted to do right now was to go back out there. The thought made her feel weak, but it was the truth. I can’t do it anymore.

  “I appreciate your spending so much time here the past few days,” Hansen offered in a quiet voice. “I know Annie’s appreciated it, too.” He looked down at the white sheet that covered him. “It’s not easy for her right now, especially with Katie.”

  “How’s she doing?” Mel asked. Katie was ten years old. Old enough to know that her father had almost been killed.

  Hansen blinked, eyes bright with sudden emotion. “She’s scared. Annie says she’s having nightmares.”

  Mel leaned forward and touched Hansen’s wrist. She couldn’t stand to see the quiet pain. “She’ll be okay. This was scary for everyone.”
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  “What about you? What are you going to do after the shrink clears you—you know I won’t be back.”

  Mel cast her stinging eyes down to the floor. “I know. I don’t want to ride with anyone else. I think my only option now is to take the detective test.” Further and further into what she hated. What a great idea. She met his eyes once more. “It’s about time I did, anyway.”

  Hansen stared at her hard. “You don’t like the job, do you?” At her intake of breath, he added, “You haven’t for a while.”

  Mel’s throat felt dry. “You get shot and that gives you the right to be as blunt as humanly possible?”

  Hansen gave her a smug grin. “That’s how I see it.”

  Mel sighed. “No, I don’t like the job anymore. But, what can I do?”

  “The detective test isn’t your only option.”

  Mel brought her hands up to cover her face. Hot tears burned her eyes, elicited by Hansen’s gentle words. “Yes, it is,” she answered, keeping her voice steady. “I’m not riding with someone new. The detective test is the next logical step in any event. I’ve just been putting it off.”

  “You know it’s not the only option,” Hansen reiterated.

  “You mean just quit?”

  Hansen shrugged, fumbling for his bed control with one hand. When he found it, he lowered himself into a slightly reclined position and sighed in relief. “I’m just saying, life is too short to be unhappy. It doesn’t make you a lesser person if you decide you want something else. I see what this thing has done to Annie, to Katie, and I’m finding that it’s not what I want, either.”

  Mel studied her partner. His face was earnest, his voice insistent. She got the sense that Hansen was desperate to relay his realizations to her. “I don’t blame you,” she said. “Your family needs you.”

  “And I need them. It’s about what I want, too. I’m not disappointed to be facing life behind a desk. I know cops are supposed to be macho—begging to get back on the streets after something like this.” He shook his head. “Screw that. I understand now what’s important. I just want you to understand, too.”

  “I get it,” Mel said.

  “Good.” Hansen lay back on his pillow. “So you’ll think about all your options?”

  “I’ll get through this,” Mel said, non-committal.

  Hansen gave a weak bark of helpless laughter. “You’re so frustrating, Raines. Who’s going to think less of you for doing what you really want? Tell me that.”

  “I will.”

  “Bullshit,” Hansen answered in a quiet voice. “I don’t believe that.”

  “Can we drop this?” Mel snapped. She looked at her mentor lying in bed, tubes and wires still stretched out around him. The thought crept into her head, a slow and startling realization. I respect his opinion more than my father’s. She softened her tone. “I mean, can we talk about something else now?”

  “Sure,” Hansen said. “How’s your girl?”

  Mel chuckled as she raised her eyes to the ceiling. “You’re so predictable. You know that, right?”

  “You find that comforting about me,” Hansen told her.

  Mel laughed even louder. “I guess I do,” she admitted. A grin stayed on her face at the thought of Regan being “her girl.” “She mentioned going on a road trip.”

  “A road trip?” Hansen pushed aside the meal he’d been contemplating during their conversation. “Really?”

  “Yeah. She said I should get away from things, take some time to think.”

  “That’s not a bad idea.” Hansen’s slow grin grew so wide it looked like it would split his face. “You should go,” he told her. “Call her. Don’t blow it!”

  God, he was a pushy bastard. For some reason she found that trait more endearing now.

  “What are you waiting for?” he urged.

  She sighed and picked up the paper again. “I just don’t know if I deserve her, especially right now. I don’t know if I’d just be leading her on, doing something like that. I don’t know if I’ll even be able to figure out how to…be with her.”

  Hansen gave her a gentle smile. “So you’ll find out.”

  The thought made Mel exhale shakily. Could she handle finding out? “I just feel like my life is falling apart around me right now, and I don’t know if it’s the right time—”

  “Raines,” Hansen interrupted her. “Sometimes life falls apart. What’s important is not letting that stop you from taking the opportunities as they come. If you don’t pursue this thing with Regan, are you going to wonder what could have happened and regret missing out?”

  Mel didn’t have to search hard for a response to that. When she was away from Regan, she got worried and pessimistic. But when they were together, it was like none of that mattered at all. It felt like everything was going to be okay.

  As if he had guessed exactly what she was thinking, Hansen said, “You’re going.”

  “Excuse me?” Mel sputtered.

  “Where are you headed on this trip?” he asked, ignoring her indignation.

  “Monument Valley,” Mel answered, in a total daze. “But we’re not driving into the Grand Canyon.”

  Hansen gave her a strange look. “Good.”

  A tentative knock on the hospital room door tore Mel’s thoughts away from redheads and road trips, and Hansen’s eyes away from her. Annie Hansen smiled at her from the open doorway. She looked tired, but happy. Mel’s attention was immediately drawn to the small hand Annie held in her own; she followed a thin arm back up to gaze at the little brunette girl who stood next to her mother, looking just as nervous as Mel suddenly felt.

  “Hello, Mel,” Annie took a step inside, pulling Katie gently behind her. Smiling toward the bed, she greeted, “Peter.”

  I want someone to say my name with that kind of love. Mel felt like an intruder all of a sudden. Hansen managed to sit up to welcome his family with an adoring grin.

  “Hey, sport,” he said to Katie. Looking up at Annie, he murmured, “Sweetheart.”

  “Hi, dad,” Katie whispered. Fretful eyes darted over the equipment surrounding Hansen, and the little girl stopped to stand a few feet away from the bed.

  “She’s a little nervous about the hospital,” Annie explained.

  Despite the fact that she felt like she should leave, Mel felt compelled to say something to Hansen’s daughter. “I understand. I’ve hated hospitals ever since I was about your age, too.” Looking at Katie was like looking at a memory of herself when she would visit her mother.

  “Katie,” Annie said as she placed a hand on her back, and gestured at Mel. “This is your dad’s partner, Mel. She’s the one who saved his life.”

  Mel opened her mouth to protest, but stopped when serious hazel eyes swung up to stare at her with reverent awe.

  Much of Katie’s unease seemed to disappear. “You did?”

  Hansen nodded and shot Mel an affectionate look. “Yeah, sweetie. She stopped the bad guy and arrested him.”

  Mel shifted in discomfort, unsure that she deserved the attention she was receiving. Her heart thumped in her chest, and she eyed the door. She was shocked when Katie stepped forward and wrapped tentative arms around Mel’s waist.

  “Thank you,” the girl murmured.

  Mel raised startled eyes to Hansen and his wife. Both gazed back at her with bemused smiles and misty eyes. “Well, it was the least I could do,” Mel gave Katie an awkward pat on the back. “Your dad is always helping me when I need it.”

  With something akin to hero worship in her eyes, Katie released Mel and returned to her mother.

  “Do you want to give your dad his present, sweetie?” Annie took a folder from the large bag she carried over her shoulder.

  Katie reached into the folder and withdrew a thick sheet of white paper. Hesitating just a moment, she walked to the bed and offered the paper to her father. “I drew this for you.”

  Mel blinked rapidly at the soft statement to force down sudden emotion. Once again, it was like looking
back at her younger self. She watched Hansen’s brown eyes sparkle with delight as he accepted the drawing.

  He held the paper out and studied it with a serious gaze. “I think this is the best I’ve seen yet,” he said. “Someday I’ll be looking at your art hanging in a museum somewhere.” He grinned at Mel, and turned the paper around to reveal a pencil drawing of what was most likely the family cat.

  “That is very good,” Mel said. “I’m impressed.” And she was. The kid was good, and with a supportive dad like Hansen, there was a good chance she could learn to be great. A loving parent made so many things easier. Clearing her throat, she said, “I should really get going. I’ve got some things I need to do.”

  Hansen swung his eyes over to pin her with a meaningful stare. “Does that mean you’ve made a decision?”

  Mel hooked her thumbs in the pockets of her jeans. “Yeah.”

  *

  Mel drove too fast to Regan’s house, rehearsing what to say the whole time. So about that road trip, were you seriously serious? She shook her head. Take me away from all of this, Regan. Help me find myself again. She rolled her eyes. She didn’t have one goddamned worthwhile thing to say.

  The sun was hanging low in the sky when she pulled into Regan’s driveway, causing everything to glow in the kind of orange light that had once seemed so magical to Mel as a kid. It felt magical again as she parked her bike, scared and nervous and so excited she could hardly stand it. She swung her leg over the seat, planting her feet solidly on the ground and taking a deep breath to center herself.

  This was going to change everything. I want everything to change. She marched up to Regan’s front door, her hands jammed in her pockets, chuckling at how utterly out of control she felt. So take control.

  It only took a minute for Regan to answer the door, and her green eyes lit up in unselfconscious pleasure at the sight of Mel standing there. “Hey,” she said. “I wasn’t expecting you for another hour or so.”

  “I’m sorry. I couldn’t wait.” Mel closed the distance between them, pulling Regan into a tight hug. She turned her head to inhale the scent of auburn hair and her eyes slipped shut in pleasure. The embrace calmed her, grounded her; it narrowed her focus down from all the things that scared her in life to just the two of them, pressed tightly to one another. How had she ever managed without this before? On this level, nothing else mattered.