Infinite Loop Read online

  Finally, she had to ask. “What do you think?”

  She wasn’t expecting the tears that fell from Regan’s eyes, or the slim hand that trembled as it wiped at the wetness on her cheeks. Regan caught Mel’s gaze, opening and closing her mouth in silence.

  She likes it. Mel shifted in her chair, awkward, and cleared her throat. She wasn’t sure how to deal with this kind of reception to her work. “It’s not that bad, is it?” she joked in a weak voice. Lame, but she didn’t know what else to say.

  “Mel, you’re amazing.”

  “Be quiet.”

  “You are.” Regan dropped her eyes to the drawing again. “This is amazing. Too amazing, probably. This is much too beautiful to be me.”

  “No, it’s not. You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.” When Regan averted her eyes, Mel softened her tone. “Are you saying it’s a bad likeness?”

  “No,” Regan said. “I just—” She stopped speaking, looking back down at the portrait, then lifted awed eyes to Mel’s face. “Is this how you see me?”

  “It’s how you are. And I’m gonna keep telling you until you believe me.”

  “Thank you,” Regan whispered. “You make me feel this beautiful.”

  “Good.” Mel slid off the chair to kneel on the floor beside the bed, tracing the back of her knuckles over Regan’s still damp cheek. Regan turned a watery grin in her direction, and Mel leaned forward to press a soft kiss against her forehead.

  “You coming back to bed?” Regan asked, turning down the blanket that covered her.

  “Yeah.” Mel placed the drawing pad on a chair before lowering herself on top of Regan’s naked body with a contented moan. She slipped one leg between Regan’s thighs, then planted her elbows on either side of her lover’s head.

  Over twelve hours, and it still didn’t seem real. Regan loved her. Mel cleared her throat. “Fifteen beautiful things about Regan O’Riley,” she announced, and paused for dramatic effect. “By Mel Raines.”

  “Mel—”

  Mel stopped the protest with a finger pressed against Regan’s lips. “Number one, her gorgeous green eyes.” When Regan closed them in response, Mel planted a gentle kiss on each eyelid. “Open them for me, baby. I want to see them.”

  Regan looked up at Mel with a fierce blush on her face. “You’re incredibly sweet.”

  “Hush. This is about your beauty, not my sweetness.”

  “Sorry.”

  “Number two,” Mel continued. “Her left breast.” Wolfish smile on her face, she bent her head down to kiss a soft pink nipple, then teased it with her tongue until it stiffened. “Three,” she whispered against the turgid flesh. “Her right breast.” She moved over to give the other nipple the same treatment.

  “Okay, I like this list.”

  Mel pulled her mouth away with some reluctance. “Number four, her beautiful red hair.” Reaching a hand between them, she cupped Regan between her legs. “Everywhere.”

  Regan giggled and thrust her hips into Mel’s touch. Mel drew away, clicking her tongue in disapproval. “Number five. The way she keeps me safe when I’m hurting and gives me strength when I’m weak.”

  Regan opened and closed her mouth without a sound, her eyes bright with emotion.

  “You weren’t expecting that one, huh?” Mel gave her a half-smile. Sometimes she even surprised herself.

  “Nuh-uh. But I liked it.”

  “Six. The way she looks when she comes.” Mel leered and Regan let go a short bark of laughter. “Seven, the way she sounds when she comes.” This drew a soft murmur from Regan, then an unthinking answering moan from Mel.

  “You’re easy,” Regan said.

  “Eight, her intelligence and strength.” Mel paused. This was almost too easy. How was she going to stop at only fifteen? “Nine. Her courage and determination, and all those other things that make me look up to her, and that I hope to achieve for myself one day.”

  “Oh, Mel.” Regan laid the palm of her hand against Mel’s cheek.

  Mel fought back the emotion that threatened to overwhelm her. Time for some levity. “Number ten is that cute little mole on her butt.”

  “What?” Regan exclaimed, laughing. “What mole?”

  “You have this adorable little mole,” Mel said, rolling off her lover and then coaxing her to turn onto her side. “Right—” She traced delicate patterns over the smooth skin of Regan’s bottom before stopping to rest on a spot near the hip. “Here.” She bent down and planted a kiss on the spot. “And it’s beautiful.”

  Regan giggled and squirmed away from her lips. She rolled over and waved Mel back on top of her. “You’re so biased.”

  “Number eleven. Her sexy computer skills and all the other things she thinks make her a geek, but really just make her incredibly attractive. Including, but not limited to, that cute Atari shirt she was wearing when I met her.” Regan’s blush seemed to deepen. Moving on, Mel said, “Twelve. Her freckles.”

  “My freckles?”

  “Yes.” She kissed the light smattering on Regan’s nose. “All of them.”

  “My grandma used to say that freckles are the footprints of angels.”

  “I like that. A lot.” Mel traced her fingers over the freckles covering Regan’s face, arms, and shoulders. “It means that you’re an angel’s playground.”

  Regan directed a bashful grin down at where their chests pressed together. “What’s number thirteen?”

  “Thirteen is her beautiful body.” Mel shifted and ran an admiring hand over soft curves and gentle dips. Her gaze chased her fingertips across Regan’s pale skin. “Perfect.”

  Regan closed her eyes.

  “Number fourteen is the way she stands by me, even when she’s afraid, and the way she believes in me.” Mel kissed Regan’s eyelid, then the corner of her mouth. “That means more to me than anything ever has.”

  “Always.” Regan turned her head to capture Mel’s lips in a sweet kiss.

  Mel broke their kiss with a regretful groan. She had something else to say. “I have to finish.”

  “Finish?” Regan breathed, opening dazed eyes.

  “Number fifteen.” Mel hesitated only a moment. “The fifteenth beautiful thing about Regan O’Riley is the look on her face when I tell her how much I love her.” It only took Regan a moment to react, and it was every bit as amazing as she’d anticipated. Green eyes shone with unveiled adoration, and she wore a breathtaking grin. “I love you, Regan. With all my heart.”

  Mel surrendered to Regan’s fierce embrace with a grateful whimper, burying her face in the smaller woman’s neck and wrapping her arms around her warm body. She pressed gentle kisses over Regan’s throat, and smiled against the pale skin. I said it. Mel groaned when Regan’s hand found the back of her neck and guided her face to warm lips. They traded slow, wet kisses, murmuring soft words into one another’s mouths. Her entire body was trembling; she’d just told Regan what she never thought she would be able to say to anyone.

  Mel had never felt such simple, overwhelming joy in her entire life. Everything about Regan made her feel alive. Words that had once seemed so scary now felt vital, and she wasn’t sure she would ever be able to stop saying them.

  She drew back, moaning when Regan’s lips continued to kiss and suck her face and neck. “There are a lot more than fifteen beautiful things, by the way.” She dropped a kiss on Regan’s shoulder. “I just figured I should save some, you know, for later.”

  Regan’s smile was as brilliant as anything she’d ever seen hanging in a museum, soul-stirring and perfect. “I love you, too, Mel.”

  “I love you,” Mel said again, then proceeded to show Regan just how much.

  *

  “For real. The Star Wars mythology has been completely ruined by the prequels.”

  “If this is another Jar-Jar rant, you can save it,” Mel said in a light voice. She glanced away from the road and raised an eyebrow at Regan. “Yeah, he’s annoying, but you can’t condemn one of the greatest film se
ries of all time just because of an obnoxious computer-generated alien.”

  Regan cast a stern glance at Mel over the top of her glasses. “No, it’s far more insidious than some stupid floppy-eared creature. I mean, I suffered through and accepted those Muppets in Return of the Jedi, so I can get over Jar-Jar.”

  “Muppets?” Mel took a hand off the steering wheel and reached over to tousle Regan’s hair. “Come on, the Ewoks aren’t that bad.”

  “Yes they were, but that’s beside the point,” Regan said. “My problem with the prequels is that George Lucas changed the entire meaning of the Force, and therefore diluted one of his most powerful metaphors.”

  “Go on,” Mel said with a smirk. “I’m intrigued.”

  Holy shit, Regan thought with some shock. I can’t believe I’m debating the philosophy of the Holy Trilogy with the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. And she loves me. She took a calming breath and gathered her thoughts.

  “Well, what does Obi-Wan Kenobi tell Luke about the Force in the original Star Wars?”

  Mel raised an eyebrow in anticipation.

  Excited, Regan said, “He tells Luke that the Force is what gives a Jedi his power. It’s an energy field created by all living things. It surrounds and penetrates everyone, and it binds the galaxy together.”

  “Whoa. I can already see that I’m in over my head here.”

  Regan gave Mel a sheepish grin. “So I’m well-versed in the Force debate. I inhabit geek culture. It’s unavoidable.”

  Mel covered her mouth with her hand, coughing before she returned it to the steering wheel. “Go on.”

  “Anyway,” Regan obliged. “The Force flows through a Jedi. Luke asks Obi-Wan if it controls one’s actions, and Obi-Wan tells him that it does, partially, but it also obeys your commands.” Regan paused to let that point sink in. “So at first, the Force was a metaphor for inner strength and for realizing your own potential.”

  “I thought the Force was really like a universal deity,” Mel said. “Not God, per se, but something through which, with faith and belief, one can attain some higher spiritual understanding and communion with the world around him.”

  Regan swiveled her head around to stare at Mel in shock. No fucking way. “You’re the perfect woman.”

  Mel squirmed beneath Regan’s scrutiny. “Does that mean I win that point?”

  “No.” Regan smiled. “Maybe it’s some kind of agnostic bias, but I think the Force is about looking inside yourself, realizing your own potential, and facing challenges in your life. When Yoda is trying to teach Luke to levitate the X-Wing out of the swamp on Degobah, Luke fails when he doesn’t have faith in himself and his ability to do it.”

  “But who’s to say that he didn’t fail because he didn’t have faith in the Force? I mean, think of the language used in reference to the Force. May the Force be with you sounds a lot like may God, or whatever, be with you. Or Trust in the Force…trust in this deity. Have faith in something higher than you.” Mel gave Regan a serious look. “You think?”

  I think she’s making me wet. Regan cleared her throat and shifted in her seat. “If you’re gonna play word games, let’s look at Use the Force, Luke. To use something is to have control over it, just like Obi-Wan told Luke that the Force would obey his commands. You can’t control God.”

  Mel seemed to be giving her words a great deal of thought. “I guess I can accept that,” she finally said. “But you’ve got to admit that the Force is a potent metaphor for spiritual guidance and faith in some kind of higher power.”

  “I can accept that, as well,” Regan said. “Regardless, the prequels totally ruin the entire idea of the Force.”

  “What do you mean?”

  Emboldened by Mel’s interest, Regan explained, “In Episode One we suddenly hear all this crap about midi-chlorians. Qui-Gon tells Anakin that midi-chlorians are these microbes that inhabit all living cells and communicate with the Force. There’s a symbiotic relationship with midi-chlorians that reveals to living beings the existence of the Force, and even imparts upon them the will of the Force. First of all, since when did the Force have a will of its own? I have a big problem with this sudden sentient, biological component to what was supposed to be a metaphor for self-belief.”

  “Or even a universal deity,” Mel interjected with a grin, but gave Regan a serious nod. “I remember thinking it was a little strange, too. Especially since we’d never heard about these microbes before.”

  “Exactly. It was bad enough when they decided that being strong with the Force was hereditary in Return of the Jedi, because that already weakened the metaphor, but the prequel midi-chlorian bullshit flew in the face of everything we’d already learned in the original trilogy. It wasn’t even mentioned then, so how can we reconcile that? Plus, it doesn’t make sense.”

  “Give me some examples.”

  Regan grinned. “Qui-Gon tells Anakin that life wouldn’t exist without midi-chlorians, right? If life couldn’t exist without them, then where did midi-chlorians come from? How did they become a part of all cells? And think about it, in the Star Wars universe life exists across the galaxy on millions of worlds. I guess all of this life possesses midi-chlorians, but how the hell did it arise spontaneously on all worlds, in such radically different life forms? It’s ridiculous.”

  Regan paused to take a breath, almost expecting that Mel would’ve lost interest in this conversation by now. To her surprise, Mel was staring at the traffic in front of them in thoughtful concentration. Regan was pleased when Mel gave her an expectant look. Well, shit. I might as well go for broke.

  “And then there’s the whole virgin birth of Anakin thing, and the theory that he was actually conceived by these midi-chlorians, somehow, which explains his unusually high concentration of them. I mean, is George Lucas out of his mind?”

  “So your grudge is that the Force was changed from a metaphor, in your opinion, or a mythological concept, to something not only biological, but quantifiable and measurable?”

  “Well, yeah,” Regan said. “I mean, we go from the idea of belief in one’s self to these crazy little microbes that can initiate an immaculate conception and bring about a Chosen One to restore balance to the Force. The Force used to represent something anyone could strive toward; faith and belief in yourself, the ability to overcome life’s obstacles. Now it’s a biological phenomenon that apparently fosters the birth of a messiah. The whole thing de-mythologizes Star Wars.”

  Mel looked deep in thought for some time, then finally said, “You’re right. I mean, if the Force is this universal deity, and midi-chlorians are needed to channel the Force, then just what the hell are midi-chlorians?”

  Regan looked at Mel in wonder. “The fact that you’re taking this conversation seriously means a lot to me.”

  Shrugging, Mel said, “It’s interesting.”

  Regan took Mel’s hand and entwined their fingers. “I’ve never been with a woman who didn’t make me feel like a total geek or an insufferable bore when I’d talk about stuff like this. It’s cool. Thank you.”

  Mel gave her hand a gentle squeeze. “I love you. Everything about you.”

  “I never thought I would ever feel so comfortable with someone, you know?” Regan said, beaming. “All my life, I’ve felt so different from everyone else, so separate. I felt like nobody ever really knew me and like nobody ever would. I feel safe letting you really know me.”

  “I understand,” Mel said. “I’ve always had people around me, but I felt apart from everyone else, even if it’s seemed to them like I’m right there.”

  Regan stared at Mel’s profile, awed that she truly did understand. “Except I was never able to fake it, you know? It always seemed so obvious that I was different.”

  “You were pretty lonely, huh?”

  Regan steeled herself against the hot wave of shame this topic always seemed to elicit. “I couldn’t believe it when you asked me to dance, you know.” She kept her voice light, as casual as she could. “I’m so
used to…Well, I honestly don’t expect something like that.”

  “I don’t know why not. You’re quite the catch.”

  “Oh, yeah,” Regan said, and straightened her glasses. “Chicks dig painfully shy computer nerds.”

  “I guess I’m just lucky you felt so comfortable around me, right?”

  I’m the lucky one. Regan’s cheeks flushed with heat. “You don’t make me feel bad about being…this way.”

  “About being you?”

  “Yeah,” Regan said. “Other people—like my ex-girlfriend—have made me feel, well, guilty and a little silly about my anxieties, you know? You don’t make me feel that way. And honestly, the way you make me feel, it almost makes me wonder why I have these insecurities at all.”

  Mel smiled, her eyes on the road. “I wonder, too.”

  “I’ve never really told anyone about this stuff before.”

  “It means a lot that you trust me.”

  “When I was in high school, boys used to ask me out as a joke.” Regan swallowed, face burning. “Lots of boys, all the time. Some thought it was funnier just to make fun of me to my face, you know, but I did get a lot of fake propositions. So many, really, that I still get that moment of fear when someone expresses an interest in me, like I’m just sure they’re going to start laughing. I know it’s really fucking dumb.”

  “No, it’s not. That’s horrible.”

  “The worst thing was that I really started to feel like they were right, you know? I was always so awkward with other kids—the only thing I wanted to do was play with my computer, or read, or watch movies. I mean, I had friends in elementary school. Not many, but some. It was like the minute we got into junior high, everyone else just changed in a way that I didn’t.” Regan picked at her blue jeans, surprised at how easy it was to put words to something she had never spoken aloud. “I didn’t have the same interests they did, and I didn’t know how to interact with them like they did with each other.”

  “Let me guess,” Mel said with a wry smile. “Puberty struck.”

  “I guess so. Something struck. All of a sudden I felt like a total freak around my peers. It didn’t help that I was becoming aware that I seemed to like girls instead of boys.”